Mom for a Weekend

I was on the road much earlier than usual today. I had to bring my nephews to school. Their mother is in the hospital, taking care of their brother who has been having asthma attacks, what with the weather.

Dementia was in front of the steering wheel by 6:00am! And it's twice in as many week days-- Friday & Monday!

Added to that, I had to play the role of partial mom over the weekend. Picked them up for a birthday party last Saturday, brought them to the hospital after the party, made sure they are fed & bathed before bed, made sure they took their medicine, brought them to church on Sunday, brought them to the hospital again, got them ready for bed before 10pm, woke them up at 5am to make sure they have enough time for breakfast and shower, got them ready for school by 6am and then drove them to school without being late. (Just typing that was already exhausting!)

There went my chance to do the work I brought home for the weekend. I stayed up till 2am just to finish it. And now, I'm already on the road even before REM set in.

I must say this whole experience affirmed my belief that I'm not cut out to be a mom. I'd be resentful if this were my life everyday!

Most people find it strange when I tell them I never really aspired to be a mother. Sure, I've discussed kids when I'm in a serious relationship. Gender, number, names, things like that. But really wanting to be a mom, the kind where you say with conviction, "I really, really want to be a mom. I want a family someday", those words never passed my lips. Probably never will.

I don't blame those people though. Those who think me strange for not being more common in my aspirations. It's not a normal female sentiment. Especially not in this country where you almost have to beg some women to stop conceiving because their house is not big enough to fit their 10 children. Although it does irritate me when they respond as if I said I want to have an extra head.

Motherhood is a calling which I am realistic enough to know I am inadequate to answer. I find that I'm too ego-centric (no, i don't mean egotistical), too self-indulgent, that I have too high expectations to be a mom. Besides, I don't know if i can fully give myself to anyone. To be a mom is to do just that 24/7. Motherhood is not just about school, clothes, food & shelter. It's about molding a human being. It's about behavior, habits, attitude, and values. I just don't have it in me.

I will never admit this in front of my mom and my eldest sister. Both of whom have four kids. My mom raised four daughters single-handedly. My sister is doing the same with four sons, three of whom need constant attention. Her first-born is a highly functional autistic. Her twins, the youngest, are both sickly. She must balance everything so that the middle child will not want for love, time, attention and affection.

I admire and respect all mothers, particularly those who were able to raise their kids okay. I admire and respect them for what they have and are doing. I can never do that. Some say I will feel differently when it's MY kids. But I don't want to risk proving my notion right. I have first hand experience how hurtful it can be. I will not subject me or my children to that kind of pain on the off-chance I'm wrong.

Although, I did have this thought that I'd be a groovy pregnant woman. I'd probably go around in sneakers and plunging necklines.