The Real Wonder Woman

I’m not sure where exactly to begin. Trying to organize the thoughts in my head is like trying to unravel an impossibly knotted thread.

Let me see if it will make sense starting at on end. I was watching an episode of Brothers & Sisters. It’s that Calista Flockhart series about the intricate dynamics of a family. And in some ways, it reminded me of my own family.

We are four sisters , three husbands, one mother, and seven children. Yes, there’s a dad somewhere but he’s not part of this knot. My family seem to have accepted that there is a big probability that I will be permanently single. They tease me gently about it once in awhile but otherwise, we all seem to be on the same page on that.

I must admit though, that there are times, when we are gathered and doing family things, or when I see my sisters sharing a private joke with their husbands, or something like that, that I wonder if one day, a guy will kind of round off the family. You see, it’s like a puzzle where all the pieces are already in except for one corner. I don’t know if it’s a lost piece, thus rendering the puzzles permanently incomplete, or just lost , thus making it just a matter of time for it to be found.

And then that made me wonder if the reason I keep getting mixed up with the wrong men is because I want to receive the kind of attention and affection that my sisters get from their husbands. (My brothers-in-law are great guys. My sisters all did a fantastic job of choosing.) Yep, a mild, general form of husband-envy, I guess. I even have friends whose husbands are really such a darling. No kidding! And it’s no put on. Yep, husband-envy.

Who wouldn’t appreciate someone who can distinguish the different tones of your voice, or the different nuances of your facial expressions, or any of those little things that you don’t even know you do till he told you? Who wouldn’t want a guy who lets you be strong and independent but would also sweep you off your feet once in awhile? Won’t your heart melt when the guy you think fits you well also fits your family just as well?

Maybe I’m giving off that vibe of needing male attention, but it’s the wrong kind of guys who get it. I really can’t tell.

After the last disastrous relationship, after I have finally come to my senses, I told myself I will not settle anymore; that no matter how I may feel in response to the attention and/or affection I get, if it’s not right, I will not try to make that piece fit. Friends told me that this is the right attitude. That this time, I may give off the right vibe and finally, the right sort of guy would come along.

It’s been a while. No one has shown up yet, though.

A couple other friends asked me, how will men approach me if they don’t see me? Oh, I get what they mean. But I’m done being too available. Is too much to ask for them to exert some effort to find me?

I mean, guys, come on! I’m a gem of a girlfriend! I have ex-boyfriends who say that I really make a good girlfriend.

So I do wonder. Have I already missed the bliss train because I kept riding the wrong one?

I wonder a lot, don’t I?