Someone To Watch Over Me

I am writing this under a veil of a degree of melancholy. In the past more than two years, I have lived in some kind of isolation. I had designed it that way. And I do not regret it.

It was within that isolation that I repaired my life. Slowly, I discarded the rotting and the broken. I gave myself a chance to heal what I broke, and to regain emotional strength. It was friendship and work that got me through it. Friends for my emotions, work for my sanity.

When I left The Land of Spantasia, as my friends and I call my previous job, it did really feel like I’m closing a part of my life. I wrote about it then, saying it was like it was only then that the New Year had happened to me.

From Spantasia, I transferred to the Justice League, into the welcoming arms of my superhero officemates, now friends, as well. I marked my 1st month a couple of weeks back.

I had a bit of time the other day and I visited this blog and noticed that I have talked most about work and not much else (well, I did bitch about a couple of things). And I thought, is this all my life is about? Work? Even my emotions are tied up on how I feel about my job, my work, the things I want to do at work.
Since early this month, I had noticed feeling frustration. Nope, not sexual frustration (although I suppose there is that once in a while). I was feeling frustrated with myself because in my own estimation, I should already be doing wonderful things at work, wowing people with my brilliance, proving to certain quarters that I was, am, a good hiring decision. But no. I have done none of that. Most of the time, I manage to bury those feelings under piles of things to do, projects to implement, programs to plan, etc.

There are times however, when it comes out. In fact last week, I had a real bad episode, I had to talk to Xavier, my boss. He assured me, gave me encouragement. That held my frustration at bay, though not totally eradicated it.

I feel like I’ve lost my creativity. I still feel like I’ve accomplished nothing. And it also frustrates me that I seem to be the only one thinking I’ve done nothing. Honestly though, if Xavier agreed with me, my frustration will be replaced with panic.

Someone told me today that I’m a workaholic. I don’t think I am. I do know how to stop when I cannot go on. But I like what I’m doing. I like thinking and planning and analyzing and making things happen, and helping people. I know it’s work but I also like it.

Let me tell you though, when all your thoughts the whole day revolve around work and stuff you see on TV, it’s a little sad. I’m beginning to worry that my insides are solidifying, the way clay hardens when you don’t wet it enough. When the only thing that stirs you emotionally is work, there might really be cause for worry.

Earlier today, American Idol did standards. And as I listened to the songs, I found myself missing dancing the foxtrot, missing the feelings of being in someone’s arms, missing feeling the kind of joy I feel whenever I dance ballroom for hours.

And when I watched CSI next, I missed Gil Grissom. My emotions did settle a bit as a watched the episode though. When I learned that Laurence Fishburne was coming in, I was worried that the series would turn too dark. I’m somehow gratified that my concerns are unfounded. The writers were able to maintain the balance of light and shade I have come to expect from the show.

There I go again. I told you. Work and TV. And some movies. Don’t get me started on Crank. I love Jason Statham but when I get a chance to talk to him, I’d really have to ask him what was he thinking doing that movie. It was so something, that had it been up to me, I’d put a notice on the movie poster saying, “Please see the movie prepared for the ridiculous running on a thin, narrow ribbon of a story, otherwise, better not”.

Must be time to have someone to watch over me. Just so I’d have someone to remind me that there is more to life than watching screens and tapping keyboards. Any volunteers?