I didn't really think I had a problem. When people ask me about my singlehood, I always say that I'm okay with it. And I always have to swallow a dose of irritation when the question tends to ask for a reason.
I mean, sure, I have managed to stay single this long. But I didn't really plan it out this way, did I?
Sure, even back in high school, I already couldn't imagine being married. But I didn't really intend for things to be this way. They just are.
Over 10 years ago, a boyfriend and I were discussing how people keep telling me then that I shouldn't let my parents' broken relationship scare me off. And I thought it ridiculous that they would think I am affected by it. I haven't seen a more normal gal. I like men. I'm not afraid of them. I had relationships. What is there to be afraid of?
And he said I just don't see it. Ridiculous notion. He's my boyfriend. You'd think he knows what he's saying. Silly.
Now fast forward to present times. I had more boyfriend after that guy than I care count. In fact, there are times I wonder what was I thinking letting those guys get to me. And yet, I remained disentangled, an island.
Now here I am, 38, and single, and actually seeing that there could be some truth in it. I just didn't realize it then.
Just last night, an epiphany dawned upon me. I'm scared. Deathly afraid of the very thing I want to have: a permanent relationship.
Who doesn't want a permanent, working relationship? Who doesn't want someone who loves them, who makes them feel loved, who cherishes them, who says he loves you and actually means it. Who doesn't want that?
But I've seen deep relationships change people. I've seen them give up things and dreams and plans for the sake of the relationship. I can't compromise myself that way. If I'm going to lose myself, I'd be no good within a relationship. If a good relationship means losing yourself, to make room for the other some say, what happens if it fails? How do you fill in again the part that is gone?
So we have a dilemma here, don't we? Or should I say, don't I?
If I keep running away from what I want, how will I have it? But if having it changes who I am, shouldn't I be running from it?
Hhhhmmmmm.
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Thanks, Getty, for the image.
1 comment:
i don't mean to affirm what seems to be a fear, but, yes - a deep and meaningful relationship DOES change you. but it holds true in ALL relationships: new friends have changed me. new acquaintances gave me new perspectives. my new status as a mother changed me more than i could imagine. and, yes, my role as the other half of a relationship has left a deep imprint in my being.
you've made some valid points, though i think that is just one end of the deal. personally speaking, sure, i've given up some dreams: i changed my career because i had new priorities. i moved to a new country even when half of me seemed to kick and scream. on a daily basis, i even give up my preferred menu because a little person refuses to share the same liking.
but, you know what? i happily and willingly changed and became a whole new person. and, in the process of giving up the things that i thought were important to me (and which still ARE important, mind you), i discovered things about myself that i never knew existed.
oh, D, i can go on and on about this. you're not wrong to be scared. after all, treading the waters of a deep and lasting commitment is a relative unknown to all single lasses out there. it's just a matter of asking whether you are ready for it (and, no, you are not selfish for not wanting to change just yet).
Khalil Gibran has these things to say about love:
"And when he speaks to you, believe in him
Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.
Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.
All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.
But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.
When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully."
sorry for such a lengthy comment, but like i said, i could go on and on about this :)
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