Seventeen Days

I was walking back to the pension house where I was staying when I realized that I’ve become so accustomed to walking in the evening, I don’t really notice the distance anymore. Almost 2 weeks ago, I actually confessed to Superman that I’m scared about this trip to Cebu.

Imagine being away for 17 days, in a place I sometimes consider hostile. How can I not be scared?

Now that I’m here, with one week to go, it dawned on me that this trip is taking a lot from me, physically, emotionally, mentally and psychologically. I was right to be scared. The trip is bringing changes for me. Not outside, but inside.

I learned I can carve a life wherever I may be transplanted. It takes a lot of trust in people and faith in a higher power. I am basically alone in a city under not the best circumstances. I have to look out for myself on all sides, and I’m not talking about my physical self. Stressful is an understatement.

I have descended from a previous place of blind belief in and devotion to someone. I gained the lesson in a very painful manner. The tears I cried, wow! The anger that came after, wow! I still have decisions to make related to this. Meantime, I have managed to set aside my feelings (mostly), and tried to function.

I realized that I have filled my life with work. Life is Cebu can be simple and peaceful despite work. And I succumbed to that atmosphere. I still had to work all the time. But I snuck in some time off. I got a pedicure, walked around some, stopped for coffee, watched a couple of movies. Yesterday, I feigned sickness so I spend the day in bed and catch on sleep. Well, it wasn’t all made up. I was really feeling really tired. Can you imagine what commotion that would bring? I can almost hear what people will say.

Sure, it started because I was feeling negative about work. I felt that I was starting to lose my heart for it. I had to put a little distance to regain perspective. I know that this feeling is not in synch with the demands of the job I have right now. That’s why decisions really must be made.

I met someone who fits me. He understands me and knows just what to do to make me feel better. He accepts that a relationship is not to our best interests so there really is no pressure. We are friends and we will remain so whatever else happens or not happen. And I’m so happy I found someone with whom I’m very comfortable with. When I’m with him, it’s like being with someone new yet someone familiar.

As for the reason I was sent here, or at least what I think is the reason, it’s done. Sinulog was done last weekend. What I experienced then, I can’t discuss. I have no words. Or maybe too many.