The Palanca Victory

The date was April 23, 2010. It was a Friday afternoon. I was sitting behind the wheel of my car, waiting for the light to turn green.

I glanced at the brown envelope on the passenger seat. "The Board of Judges, Carlos Palanca Awards for Literature."

The idea was planted in me by a friend months ago (thanks, Luz!). She read a short story I wrote and convinced me to join the contest.

So before fear set in, I e-mailed the organizers asking how to join. They replied and I took it as sign that I should proceed. They told me that the 2010 awards will open its doors in March 2010. I left it at that, thinking that I will check how I feel about the matter come March.

I was surprised when they e-mailed me, advising me that they are now open and sent me the contest rules and the application form. So I took it as another sign that I should proceed.

It was a busy time at the office (when is it not?) so I had to trudge on inch by inch. All the time, I was wrestling with my insecurities. From the moment I started filling in the documents, until just before I sealed the envelope bearing all the requirements, I had to convince myself that this is okay.

On an intellectual level, I do know it's okay. That it shouldn't matter if I win or not. That the mere act of joining is a form of triumph over my insecurities, which shrinks would definitely say stems from a deep-seated need for approval in me.

I guess, it's also about the competitive spirit I have. I do want to be good at what I do. Who doesn't? And again, there is that deep-seated need for approval in me.

But first, I had to deal with other adee-isms. I went through the rules and regulations with an eagle-eye. All instructions regarding the submission of the entry were underlined and highlighted. And as I put together the entry, I went through the list again, and again. And again.

Margins? Check. Double-spaced? Check. Four copies? Check. Resume? Check. Authorization? Check. Soft copy? Check.

Time to seal it.

The office of the foundation is a mere 10-min drive away, another sign for me. If I had to drive so far out of the way, I might convince myself not to do it at all.

The light has gone green, and I have arrived at the area. I parked my car and got ready to walk under the punishing, prickly heat of the early afternoon sun.

soon enough, I'm in their office, sitting in front of the lady receiving the entries. While she was finishing the entry in her hands.

She flashed me a smile to tell me that she's ready. I guess my nervousness showed in spades because the smile she gave me seemed kind and understanding. Though I'm sure she can tell, I still told her that it's my first time to enter, and that I would really appreciate it if she can check that I got everything together.

While she did so, I took a quick glance around the room and saw boxes upon boxes, labelled SHORT STORY-ENGLISH, SHORT STORY-FILIPINO, ONE-ACT PLAY-ENGLISH, ETC.

Boxes! what chance do I have against so many?!

When my glance returned to her, I met her gaze and she smiled. She said, "You never really know."

And, I supposed she thought I needed more confidence boost, she told me my entries was so neat with the folders I put the entries in (apparently, I'm the first one to do it.)

I thanked her and left. It's done. Now let's see what happened next. The lady said that the official announcement is in September. But the winners will know in August.

Today, it's August 30. No word from Palanca. But it's fine. Small victory is still a victory.